Sibling Rivalry

Everyone who has more than one child will experience some form of sibling rivalry, everyone who has a sibling will be able to relate.

We don’t get on with everyone, and this is the same even if you are related.

Sibling rivalry can range from simple bickering to full-blown fights and lots in between. But be reassured some sibling rivalry is normal and to be expected such as jealousy, wanting attention, feeling hard done by, competition etc.

Two sisters fighting

As kids reach different stages of development, their changing needs can affect how they relate to one another, It can be frustrating and upsetting to watch and hear your kids argue. A household in conflict is stressful for everyone. Yet it can be hard to know how to stop the fighting, or even whether you should get involved.

Simple things you can do every day to prevent fighting include:

  • Set ground rules for acceptable behaviour. Tell the kids to keep their hands to themselves and that there's no cursing, name-calling, yelling, or door-slamming. Get their input on the rules — as well as the consequences when they break them. This teaches kids that they're responsible for their own actions, no matter the situation or how provoked they felt, and discourages fixating on who was "right" or "wrong."
  • Don't let kids make you think that everything always has to be "fair" and "equal" Sometimes one kid needs more than the other.
  • Give your kids one-on-one attention directed to their interests and needs. For example, if one likes to go outdoors, take a walk or go to the park. If another child likes to sit and read, make time for that too.
  • When possible, make sure kids have their own space and time to do their own thing to play with toys by themselves, to play with friends without a sibling tagging along, or to enjoy activities without having to share 50-50.
  • Show and tell your kids that, for you, love is not something that comes with limits.
  • Let them know that they are safe, important, and loved and that their needs will be met.
  • If your children often argue over the same things (such as video games or who controls the TV remote), post a schedule showing which child "owns" that item at what times during the week. (But if they keep fighting about it, take the "prize" away altogether.)
  • Recognize when kids just need time apart from each other and the family dynamics. Try arranging separate play dates or activities for each kid occasionally. And when one child is on a play date, you can spend one-on-one time with another.

Keep in mind that sometimes kids fight to get a parent's attention. In that case, consider taking a time-out of your own. When you leave, the motive for fighting is gone. Also, if your own fuse gets short, ask your partner to take over if their patience is greater than yours at that moment.

Useful websites

Healthline has some useful advice on sibling rivalry, how to stop fights and create a more calm household.